Celia A. Rangel

Journalism — Dr. Bednar

June 26, 2002

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Imagine a fuzzy-headed and willowy character, comfortably curled up at the head of a rather large bed. He sits with his legs and arms coiled close to the rest of his body, as he carries on a conversation about the compulsive reading and aimless driving he does for fun. His bare feet seem to explore the bed around him as if they have a mind of their own, while his eyes look down through the lens of his small, oval-shaped glasses, at the assortment of beads left behind from the apparent craft-gathering he and his friends had held just moments before. His movement is slow and meticulous, and his concentration unyielding, as he picks up the spilled beads, one by one, placing them into a jar which he eventually covers and delivers to its appropriate keeping-place.

Later, he sits outside on a hard wooden bench — his seemingly malleable limbs no less retracted and curled up than on the cushiony bed he sunk into before. His speech is methodical and flows evenly, with little interjection from his arms or hands, which cross comfortably in his lap. As the calm of the night settles in, so does his desire to be analytical about the "erotic possibilities as a student at Southwestern," and other issues that indicate a serious and contemplative approach to unusual matters that most would overlook. He is about to elaborate on his beliefs, when he realizes that he has said enough; he dislikes being "too intellectual about himself." Toward the ideas of the people around him, however, he is more exploratory. Prompting more discussions than he actually takes a central role in, he is attentive and almost diagnostic in his responses. A short "hmm," usually precedes any statement of his opinion; meanwhile, he judiciously organizes the words that make clear and concise arguments.

***

We are in Santa Fe, New Mexico, in a hotel room occupied by Thomas and two or three of his friends with whom he grew up in Waco, Texas. I have never formally met Thomas until tonight, although the name, "Thomas Hanks," has always brought a smile to my face for the simple reason that whoever he is must have had a great time coming up with smartass responses to questions about his relation to the famous actor. Thomas is the initiator of discussion tonight, as my friend Kara and I are guests — or intruders — for the evening. The questions he asks, however, are almost impossible to send back in his direction. They demonstrate the systematic design that I will later begin to associate with every deliberation of Thomas’s. And so, aside of some brief, detail-free responses to some very general questions I manage to throw in his direction, I learn very little tonight about who Thomas truly is.

***

He is relaxed, though not brutishly or clumsily so. His posture is humble, but interested, as he divides his attention between the items on the menu (of which he is already very much aware), and a basic overview of how his week has been going. He is cheerful this morning, with agreeable things to say about the children he is paid to take care of, the "cute old man" who sits at a table nearby, and the pancakes that are "almost unpleasantly filling." In fact, his playful smile finds its way into just about every sentence, and it is suddenly apparent why small children, smart women, and bunnies would want to be close to him.

Then a comment flies about the waitress being a bitch and the restaurant being artificially cool, and his frustration with things gives him an eager voice. He’s cynical about peoples’ actions, and his opposition to responsibility resonates in the remarks he makes about "having things to do," the obligations of his first serious relationship, and his readiness to give children back their parents after only a few hours.

Still, his calm and careful disposition makes it impossible for him to be forceful. He laughs intermittently, between criticisms of "things in society" and humble praises for how "attached" he and his partner, Sarah, have become. Evidently, here is someone who is obedient to his beliefs. Masculinity, to him, has no solitary definition; thus, a man can and should wish to have control over certain things in his life, but is free to be as compassionate and serene as he chooses.

***

It has been about three months since Thomas and I have had the opportunity to exchange more than a few words. We don’t cross paths very often, but he is someone whose path should require a regular crossing, as a favor to myself.

Thomas has offered to take me to breakfast because he likes to take people out. I believe this, and would have very little trouble believing any other act Thomas does for a friend out of generosity. In Santa Fe, when Kara and I whined about a one-hour drive we would have to make with the same strange couple we had driven across the country with for nearly a week, Thomas was insistent that he make a bed for us in their already crowded hotel room. I find it ironic, therefore, that Thomas is occupied by his need to be "more open" and "less judgmental," — so concerned that he has a tattoo on his forearm to remind him. I suppose there is much about Thomas that has to be understood gradually, as he is not likely to explain or even understand those things himself.

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Perhaps it is because I lack clarity in my own thoughts that I appreciate Thomas’s directness. It’s refreshing to be around him. So many times I question how seriously he considers some of the things he talks about — but then I stop smiling at their peculiarity, and realize how boring we would all be if we didn’t think about "closing the honey bottle in a way that won’t make it sticky the next time you use it," or if we didn’t "dislike particular performers who seem like they’d be assholes," or if we didn’t have a partiality toward Anise-flavored candy.

Something about Thomas creates this image of a toy in my mind…maybe a little lion…that is unbelievably huggable. But he’s stubborn, too. Once accustomed to a particular routine, it is difficult to break Thomas from a habit — including the assortment of pillows he has to sleep with, and the way he wraps his sandwich. He’s moody, and he refuses to do things simply because he doesn’t want to, "damnit". He tends to take things for face value, and can be pretty judgmental about people and life in general. In my opinion, part of that judgment is a virtue. Perhaps it is also what makes him so judicious in areas of his life that pleasantly affect other peoples’ lives.

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