Chelsea Baldwin

Journalism-Comprehensive Nonfiction Narrative

July 18, 2002

Words May Never Hurt Me

Chugga-chugga-chugga, choo-Choo. Eleven kids shuffle along the track in Northern California. Their train is a couple of meters long and stops traffic on both sides of the track. After the "train" clears the crossing they step off of the track, giggling enthusiastically.

From there they grab their bikes and ride into the "country." On this adventure they have a picnic lunch on an undeveloped lot while they rest under a magnificent shade tree.

The next day a couple of them ride their bikes to the local BART (Bay Area Rapid Transit) station and catch a train into San Francisco. They can go to fishermens wharf, museums, or choose to simply people watch.

The responsibilities of adulthood are far in the future and as distant as an episode of Star Trek. Childhood freedoms are taken completely for granted.

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"I had the perfect childhood," Linda^* says "My mother and father never fought. We had a big house, 6-bedroom/3-bath with a 20X40 pool in the backyard. We lived in a newly developed neighborhood that was full of young families with children in the same age range as my brother Dave and me. The elementary school was just through the back gate."

Gradually as Linda tells me about her "perfect" childhood, her whole demeanor changes; instead of the normal smile her facial expression becomes increasingly unhappy. "Because my parents never fought, I and my siblings were not prepared to deal with the real world. We had no idea about healthy conflict resolution. We had no idea about conflict resolution at all."

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Linda and her family moved to Georgetown from California in 1976. Their Californian neighbors and friends threw a block-wide going away party. A bluegrass band was hired to provide the music for the party. It was prepping them for the culture differences between California and Texas. After all, in Texas they would only have country music and there would be tumbleweeds everywhere.

The family packed up the rental truck and left sunny California on June 18^th. Linda rode behind the moving van in the family station wagon with her mother and 6-month old nephew, Skipper. They also had the three family dogs with them.

The journey took five days to complete. The moving van could only go 15 mph over the mountains in California. Then they slowly drove the rest of the way across the desert to Texas.

Upon arriving in Georgetown Linda was surprised by how Green it was. After they reached their new home, Linda took her dog Tuffy for a run on the leash. They ran down to the back fence and then back to the house. Linda’s socks were completely covered in stick-tites.

Tuffy, we’re not in California anymore.

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One of the best differences between California and Texas for Linda was having her horses closeby. In California they had been near, but it hadn’t been possible to just walk outside and see them. After moving to Georgetown she could go out to the pasture at night just to watch them sleep under a full moon. She marveled at the clarity with which she could see. There were no longer any city lights to drown out the natural star and moonlight. This is when she discovered gray.

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Linda’s father walked out on his family on December 27^th, 1977. It was his birthday. He came home, packed a suitcase and left. All he said was that he was in love with another woman, and promptly moved 2300 miles away.

Even after 25 years he doesn’t quite grasp the profound effect this had on them. They never knew why he left. The way things played out nobody was able to find closure. The family went from being an ideal family to a single mom trying to support five kids in an evening.

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After her father left, Linda had no one to turn to. Her father’s departure and subsequent move to Seattle was the catalyst that changed the entire course of her life. Since there were no male figures in her life she turned to her boyfriend John. John was what was available.

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"Hey!" the girl whispered during class. "Linda, is it true what people are saying?"

"I don’t know. What are they saying?"

"Well, they’re saying you’re pregnant."

Linda stands up and twirls around to show off her slim figure, "Does it look like I’m pregnant?" She asks.

"Well no."

"If it don’t look like it, then I guess it ain’t so."

She was four months pregnant.

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When she figured out she was pregnant, she was tossed into a maelstrom of negative emotions: fear, shock, shame, and embarrassment. She continued on this free-fall into the White Rabbit’s Hole, only sharing the news with John. Her relief from this storm didn’t come until the truth was out, and people knew that she was pregnant. Once people knew, there were no more worries and she could just focus on what would be best for herself and the child.

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To help hide her pregnancy Linda continued to wear her normal pant size with a 28 waist. To compensate for the growth of the baby she looped a rubber band around and through the first belt loop to the left of her fly. She then hooked the large loop of the rubber band over the button and covered the whole affair with large shirts and sweaters. She didn’t start showing until the very end of her second trimester.

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Her mother was a loving, supportive mom. She never tried to take away the decision of whether Linda should keep the baby or not. She just promised unconditional support for whatever decision Linda made in regards to arranging for the future of the child. Her mom shared the news with her father; throughout the pregnancy she was the pillar of support that Linda needed. But, she never shared the harsh realities with Linda either.

On the other hand, Linda’s father was disappointed. He was disappointed in her and in her actions. When he heard of the pregnancy he planned to fly down from Seattle and take her home with him. Once they were in Seattle he planned to deposit her in a shelter for teenage mothers until the baby was born and given up for adoption. The completely opposite viewpoints of her parents only emphasized the lack of conflict resolution in Linda’s life.

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Linda was disappointed in herself. She had plans. She had goals. And none of them included having a baby. She was going to college. She was going to have a successful career.

She talked to the social workers and planned to give the child up for adoption. After awhile the fetus had developed enough so that it was moving around in her womb. Every time it moved, it emphasized that it was a person. It was a part of the family, and you just don’t give family away.

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Linda had a baby girl two weeks before her high school graduation. She named her Joanna and recovered from her C-section in time to walk across the stage to receive her diploma.

A year after Joanna’s birth Linda and John were married. John had been attending UT, but eventually had to drop out to support the family.

The young family lived together in John’s grandmother’s house. It had been standing empty and needed a family. While Linda stayed home in the evenings to take care of Joanna, John would go out with friends and party until the wee hours of the morning, neglecting his duties as a father and a husband.

After two months they abandoned living together as a family. Another six months passed with John failing to fill the role of a husband or father and Linda filed for divorce. After less than a year of marriage, it was final.

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"I found a job possibility for you in Orange County," Linda says.

"No."

"Well then, can we at least move to Round Rock?"

"No, I don’t want to live in Round Rock." John claims.

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After the divorce, when Joanna was about two, Linda and her brother Dave rented an apartment together.

She awoke from a sound sleep as the cold air rushed across her legs.

"Linda! Go get the super, the kitchen is on fire!" Dave yells over his shoulder as he grabs the top sheet and heads into the kitchen.

She crawls out of bed and in blind panic stumbles into the breezeway. She pounds on the door across the way until the super wakes and answers it. Words escape her. Struggling, she manages to point toward their apartment and scream, "fire."

She and the super rush back to the apartment. The super takes a glance and runs back to his apartment for a fire extinguisher. A couple of seconds later he emerges empty-handed and rushes back to the apartment fire. After another quick glimpse he heads back behind the apartment again; this time when he emerges he has the water-hose in his hands.

While Linda stood in the doorway watching the super’s progress, Dave had soaked the sheet from her bed and used it to put out the fire. She remained in the doorway trying to explain to the superintendent about what happened. She was just starting to feel the chill through her night wear when Dave brought her Joanna. Joanna had woken during the commotion and settled down on a bean bag chair in the living room. Linda was horrified that she hadn’t spared a thought for her daughter in the panic.

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It takes time to learn responsibility, especially the specialized brand required to be a good parent. While Linda was learning to juggle her new responsibilities Joanna would spend a lot of time at her Grandmother Gertrude’s house. Grandma Gertrude bought her anything she wanted.

When Joanna stayed with her maternal grandmother they would spend the days watching classic movies and TV shows. She watched musicals with Gene Kelly, Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers. She also watched the George Burns and Gracie Allen show.

When Joanna was slightly older she and Linda would settle down in the evenings and watch TV together. Their favorite shows were: Loveboat, Dallas, and Fantasy Island. Around one o’clock in the morning Joanna would wake her mom up to be carried to bed.

It’s inevitable that late nights are followed by late mornings, and the next day would start in a frantic rush. Linda would be running late for work and would deposit Joanna with the baby-sitter, instead of taking her to kindergarten at her private school.

Joanna’s early education was mostly received while she was in front of the television. Fortunately, that education covered enough materials so that she wasn’t hurt academically by missing much of kindergarten. Through the eclectic variety she learned many concepts, had an advanced vocabulary and a more mature perception than she would have if confined exclusively to activities with her peer group.

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Linda’s concept of self-worth has changed over time. While she was young she had internalized the idea that you could only be a worthwhile person if you worked in the corporate world. Part of the seeming irresponsibility in her early mothering is because she hadn’t yet realized her worth as a mother and was constantly struggling to achieve what she considered a worthwhile position in life.

She didn’t really feel like a mother until she had her second daughter Rebekah. She didn’t realize her worth as a mother until she started attending therapy and had her third daughter, Leah.

Her own mother has always maintained that women’s liberation actually did a great disservice to women. It provided the propaganda that created mind-sets like the one Linda had in her early years. It took away the worth of the mothers, and without the mothers, who is going to raise the kids?

Now Linda is a Mother after having four kids, who happens to be working full time so that the family can have health insurance. Joanna has grown and started a family. Linda’s next daughter Rebekah starts college in the fall. Linda’s two youngest children are constantly proving why kids need mothers, by doing things like falling off the barn, or missing patches of grass when mowing.

Linda has gradually discovered how to resolve conflict over the course of her life. Her current marriage provides her with daily opportunities to practice her painstakingly developed skills.

Her personal lifetime goal is to get her college degree.

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When asked about what she would change if she could go back and redo it she says, "I would invest in duplexes. If I had invested in duplexes I would have a source of income and could take time off to enjoy the kids. Oh, and I wouldn’t take as much shit from people."

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Author’s Afterwords

I struggled the entire time I was doing this piece. I wanted to provide a story that was good: human triumphs over previous bad decisions. I also didn’t want to expose more of my interviewee than she was willing to expose because I really prefer self-paced disclosure as opposed to the guided disclosure of interviews. This means I didn’t get the material I needed for the story I wanted to write, but I did get information for a story that has a valuable point. Many thanks to Linda for taking the time to make sure I got the details of her life right.