Joanne Chiang

Journalism

12.13.00

Who the hell made that up? How do relationships compare to fish? Well, they do stink sometimes. And, if you don’t like what you get the first time, throw it back in and try again. I guess it makes sense. However, there is just a slight difference in the complexity. Humans do not engage in intricate relations with fish, but rather unconsciously develop meaningful relationships with each other. So it is somewhat harsh to assume that the broken-hearted would want to seek another meaningless relationship ‘in the sea.’ However you make sense of it, breaking up sucks. Period. Whether you are the heart breaker or your heart has been broken and assuming the relationship was somewhat significant to both parties, healing is involved.

After nearly 2 years of dating, my relationship with John slowly came to an end. I seemed to disregard the concept of ‘who did it’ in my situation. It was mutual. I knew what I wanted. He didn’t. We were both afraid of making the decision, afraid of what lay ahead, afraid of what didn’t lay ahead. Sometimes, taking that risk can be the most important decision you ever make. When in that predicament, it is difficult to choose. In my mind, I knew it was time to move on, but in my heart, I didn’t want to give up the two years we had shared together. It was so difficult to see what was best for me at the time.

Relationships possess many facets and it becomes more challenging to see all the facets as you gradually become disenchanted by a new love interest. I had a crush on John for a year before we started dating. As friends, I would occasionally find myself going out of my way to do things for him. I would do anything to catch his eye. I did not go to extremes, but I did what any normal teenage girl would do for a crush. I made him feel extra special on his birthday with home baked cookies with his favorite, Reeses Pieces. I also cooked for him, got along with his family, listened with all ears when he had problems, and tried to give him advice he wanted to hear. Looking back, it makes sense why I felt as if I had completely lost my sense of identity. Somehow you just lose sight of what your own needs are, and end up devoting your energy to your significant other. It was like being brainwashed.

A 17-year old, fresh out of high school hadn’t a clue what lay ahead. What was I thinking? We spent our first year together, separated by a three-hour drive, as I entered my freshman year at Southwestern. Despite the expensive telephone bills and occasional visits from Dallas, the year apart, surprisingly, did not break the relationship. And it seems that if a long-distance relationship can survive any amount of time at all, it’s most likely the couple will stay together…at least for a while.

My sophomore year, John made a move to Austin, which brought him closer. As the year progressed, we began to grow distant emotionally. That was the year I realized how much soul searching I needed to do. I felt lost. I hardly knew what I truly wanted within each aspect of my life. The rapid change we were experiencing influenced the way we interacted with each other. It became tenser. It was difficult to communicate to each other what we needed, partly because we had become so accustomed to each other. We did not acknowledge the changing self, which involves changing needs, wants, and expectations in life. We were holding on to knowledge about each other based on teenage perceptions, a time when the sense of self isn’t yet fully developed.

But when you think you’re so in love, nothing can bring you down. How could I think I knew what love was after living 18 years? I hadn’t even lived long enough to experience half the lessons I need for life. On average, how long does it take for most people to realize what love truly means? For some, it takes a lifetime…and for others, it’s as easy as following the directions for Easy Mac.

For a year and half, we were invincible. Then things started to change. Why don’t these changes come with notices? Friends became more important than they used to be. I began to realize that I could not run to John about every problem I had. I needed to focus on relationships with my girlfriends. But once you’re brainwashed, it’s difficult to come back to reality. John and I talked on the phone almost every night and when weekends came around, it was time to spend time with each other. It was always a given that weekends would be spent together, unless otherwise informed. This was a problem with my friends. They didn’t think it was fair for me to hang out with them only when it was convenient for me, which wasn’t the case at all. And when I say ‘brainwashed,’ it doesn’t necessarily mean being in an emotionally abusive relationship, in which the significant other demands every moment with their partner. In this context, I interpret ‘brainwash’ as going through the actions as if in a trance or under a spell. Although I considered myself an independent person, I was so dependent on the relationship in so many ways. I had to be honest to myself and point out why I was dependent on the relationship. This was extremely challenging because a part of me did not want to see myself as such a vulnerable person deep down inside. During the transition from teenager to young adult, it is common for individuals to seek acceptance and attention. I satisfied that craving through my relationship with John. I sought his approval, his love, his attention, his care, his touch…anything that would reassure his acceptance of who I was.

One of the turning points happened on Thanksgiving of 1998. Thanksgiving is neither a significant holiday nor tradition within my family. It’s just another reason to get together and eat good Chinese food. I did not go back to Dallas because I was preparing for finals, so my parents came down from Dallas on Thursday just to visit me. They brought some home cooked Chinese food and we had a little picnic in my single room in Kurth. As a sophomore advisor, I had the luxury of having the room to myself. They stayed for a few hours and left around 5 pm. By then, most grocery stores were closing for the holiday. John, Mike (his brother), Yohan (his cousin), and Carrie (Yohan’s wife) were preparing a Thanksgiving meal and had invited me for dinner. I called him after my parents left to tell him that I was packing a few of my things and then I was going to head to their apartment off Mopac and Parmer. John asked that if I happened to pass by a grocery store that was open to stop and get some gravy mix. Of course, I knew that stores were most likely going to be closed by the time I left for Austin. I arrived at their apartment around 6:30. I walked in and everybody was sitting at the table. As soon as I realized they had already started eating without me, I immediately went to John’s bedroom. I did not know how to react.

I was pissed beyond belief. I kept giving myself reasons why I was mad. Then I would question my reasons to make sure I had a right to be mad. I tried to hold the tears back and calm down, but I was so hurt. I thought that even if I had gotten some gravy mix, it would not have mattered because they were fine without it. I calmed down and went to the table. By that point, I had lost my appetite. John sensed something was bothering me, but had no clue why. That pissed me off even more! After dinner, I went to his room and did not want to speak with anyone. He came in and I tried to explain to him how mad I was. He said he thought I had eaten with my parents so I wouldn’t want to eat with them. I defended that it didn’t matter whether or not I had eaten with my parents; it was the concept of having the consideration to wait for me. He apologized but I knew he wasn’t apologizing because he was really sorry. He did it just so we could finish the argument.

It’s been two years since that incident, and John and I have touched on the topic a few times. We both do not like to bring back bad times, but he has said that he realizes now how hurt I was because of what happened. He also added that there were a lot of things that he wished he had done differently.

The end of my sophomore year was a significant turning point in my life. I learned to be strong at my weakest by repeating to myself that it was the right thing to do no matter how much it hurt. It was unbearable. Emotional pain would run through my body as flashes of us being together go through my mind during the last waking moments before I fall asleep at night. I knew it was only a matter of time before I would feel better and see the benefits of making the decision. It was a transition period from being a part of something so significant in my life, to being single and rediscovering myself.

I now look back and think about how much has happened in the last 3 years. I am a stronger individual. I know what I want and I know what I need to do to achieve it. I am more in touch with my sense of self and more capable of articulating my expectations in relationships. I am able to focus my energy within myself and the people around me. In doing so, I have come a long way since my naïve 17-year old self. When I encounter friends who have problems with their significant others, the problems seem so apparent to me. And it’s frustrating to see the anguish it causes. When you are the one experiencing the pain, it is difficult to see what is actually happening. But if you take a step out of the picture, it all seems so clear. The transition from teenager to young adult is painful, full of laughter AND tears. It’s amazing that just a few years have had such a significant impact on my life. After the all the pain and confusion involved in relationships, things make so much sense now. When things begin to make sense, that’s definitely a sign that the pain is worth it. You gain so much more from the pain than you would have if you had not experienced it.

You might wonder about the status of my relationship with John now. Because we gave ourselves the opportunity and time to do some soul searching, we have been able to reconnect at a level beyond our own expectations. With a friendship of this caliber, it is comforting to know how much we understand each other now, more so than we used to. Of course it’s not as easy as it sounds. The first couple of times we started talking again, it was very strange. It took a while to regain the ability to read each other’s words and actions. Due to the changes we both experienced during the time spent apart, it was similar to getting to know a new acquaintance. We both realized how much we had changed and how much we missed each other, but despite those feelings, I knew I wasn’t ready to be involved with him again. He shared most of his deepest feelings and it was so insightful to hear him say things I yearned for him to say when we were together.

For a while, I spent some time thinking whether or not John and I were going to get back together. To this day, I have not decided what to do. I think we are just both going for the ride and letting fate take us where it chooses. I brought the topic up with him in a recent conversation. It was late at night on the phone, which are the times we indulge in some of our deepest conversations. I wanted to know if he was feeling the uncertainty I was feeling.

"Do you think about us getting back together" I asked.

He replied, "Yeah, but I don’t think I’m ready right now."

"Well, sometimes I think we should because it feels right, and I think why not?" I added. "Then other times when it doesn’t feel so right, I don’t think we could ever get back together."

"Yeah, I feel the same way," he surprisingly responded.

The time apart has brought us even closer emotionally. We are more capable of openly expressing our feelings. Even after knowing John for nearly six years, I still feel we are discovering things about each other every day. The most important rule about relationships is communication and expressing your true feelings to one another. Even when some things seem so mundane, it is better to assume that your partner has no clue. In the end, the communication allows you to know your partner completely.

As I sat down to read my original paper, I noticed an obvious difference in my knowledge of writing narratives. First, I want to emphasize the topic of the paper. From the time I wrote the paper in September until now in December, I have discovered new things about John, as well as my relationship with him. It amazed me how much I have changed in just the past couple months, not only in my relationships, but also my knowledge in journalism. I went through the paper and wrote a few scenes to support the intimate details of my relationship with John. I have also concluded that I like to incorporate quotes into my papers because it adds a different effect, especially when it is presented in a different format (italics). After I added the scenes, I compared the original to the revised version, and I see how each affects the audience. The original allowed the reader to draw from their own experience to relate to my situation, whereas the revised version allowed the reader to get a glimpse of my personal experience, which is one of the goals in writing a narrative.

The class has definitely changed my perspective on journalism as a whole. From narratives to documentaries, I see it all in a different light. I really enjoyed the visual aspect applied to our final narrative as well. It allowed me to use unrelated visuals to really think about the approach I was to take on the paper. Of course, it also helped that I have a strong interest in photography. Despite the obstacles I encountered in the class, I still feel I will be able to take with me lessons I learned through dealing with different people. From the personal narrative to the last, the class has also helped shape my identity, as well as understanding journalism and the world of communication.