We never talked much; we lived in different worlds

I couldn't do anything. I just stood there as Lee completely ripped through my brand new Hawaii Barbie set. He trampled the entire thing and had the nerve to vocalize his pretend laser rifle with his stupid sound affects. I saw him stomp on it totally demolishing the fake straw/plastic roof which shaded the little hammock where I had placed Barbie to relax while Ken was out surfing the carpet. When Lee was done bringing Metro Man, his new videogame to life on top of my perfectly set up beach scene, nothing was left but the plastic fruit.

We never talked much; we lived in different worlds. It was as if we weren't even in the same family. Lee was always playing videogames or building Legos. I had my Barbies and dress-up time. The times we interacted were at meals or arguing about what cartoon we watched. He was four years older than me and a boy- gross. What did we have in common? Why would we hang out? Plus, I was his annoying little sister. We loved each other, but it was because we had to. He was my big brother.

Mom butts in, “Well, we better get out of your hair. Have some friends over to help finish your cake. What's Lisa doing today?” Mom always tried to make plans for us whenever she left.

I step in. “Well, I probably won't see you before you leave. Be safe and have fun. Take tons of pictures for me… I love you.”

“I will. And I love you too, sis.” We embrace as I tell him all this in his ear. I keep myself from crying because we only need one girl crying - that's usually mom.

We left College Station and headed back to Katy. I knew I wouldn't see Lee until he got home from Russia. What he was going to do was beyond anything I could ever do. I was so proud of him but frightened at the same time. You see, he was supposed to go to China to do missionary work. The destination obviously changed because of the whole SARS thing. Lee was headed to Moscow in 3 weeks to spread the word of God.

So what was it that made me realize just how much I loved my older brother? Well, it happened right before I came to Southwestern. It changed our family.

Our oldest pug Ching was 9 years old and our little black one Tai was 8. Tai went everywhere Ching did. My Poppi called Tai “Me Too.” Ching had developed arthritis in his old age. He sounded just like a little old man whenever he got up. They were the same moans and groans that my dad makes now. Ching was the ruler of the house. Before Tai, he traded off nights snuggling with each of us. Actually, he traded off nights pinning us into a small section of our bed so that he had it all. He was the only dog that my brothers and I had really attached to. Whenever Mom would leave, Ching would wait for her by the backdoor or by the gate. He was a great dog. He did not know he was a dog because we never told him. To us, he was another member of our family.

On August 10, 2001, my family went to dinner at Las Rosas, one of our favorite Mexican food restaurants. We were having a great time. Lee and I were finally old enough to enjoy each other's company and our parents. Cody was ready to go and did not understand why we had to sit and talk after dinner. We, of course, teased him about wanting to leave so he could get back to Instant Message all his lady friends. On average, five girls called the house a day for him. It always blew my mind how 14-year-old girls called ALL the time. So after about 15 minutes of Cody's “Whatever, guys,” and “Gosh, y'all are so dumb,” Dad paid the bill and we headed home.

Once we got there, we all nestled in for a family movie night. We forced Cody downstairs and off the computer for once. Dad let the dogs out of the kennel and put them outside for a little bit. About 20 minutes later, my dad came inside to tell us, “Guys, we have a problem.” Immediately my heart tripled its pace. Ching had fallen into our pool and drowned. We all raced outside.

None of us knew what to do. We felt so helpless. It was like our world crumbled for that moment and none of us knew how to put it back together. We all burst into tears. Poor Tai did not understand what was going on and whimpered. Cody and I took him inside and tried to hold him. He would not have it. He was too worried about what Ching was doing. Dad rocked Ching's limp body back and forth while Mom hyperventilated. Lee knelt by Dad, crying.

I had never seen anything like this. Lee came up and held my mom and me. My dad just kept apologizing and repeating, “Stupid.” He blamed himself for not watching them while they were outside. He felt entirely responsible for his death. Mom mustered up the words through her tears, “Sweetie, it's no one's fault.” Anyone of us could have gone outside to watch them. We all knew he was getting old, but none of us realized it had gotten so bad.

We buried Ching in the backyard. We placed one of his favorite babies in with him, a squeaky dinosaur that had lost its squeak. My dad and Lee took turns digging his hole. We found out that the ground in our backyard was clay and rock hard. It took them at least 45 minutes to dig a hole deep enough and big enough. After we laid him in, my dad covered him. Mom and I had to leave while he did this. It was just too hard to watch. Then we said a prayer and went inside not knowing my parents and Cody would be doing this again in two weeks with Tai.

I had never seen my brother or Dad cry. I had seen my mom cry because, well, the Fithian girls tend to be a bit more emotional than most. Something about seeing Lee in this light changed me. I am still not sure what it was, but it opened me up to him and Cody. I no longer hesitate to give them a hug or a kiss. “I love you” is not as scary. It feels good to be able to tell them how I feel without thinking twice.

People say, “Everything happens for a reason.” Well as corny as it sounds, it is true. It sounded so clichÈ at the time. My mom and I talked about how God has a plan. Sometimes it is really hard to see where He's going with certain things. How does it make sense that our dogs, something that brought our family such happiness, had to die? In the long run, Mom and I knew it helped our family grow closer. It sucks that we had to suffer through the loss of our beloved pets, but somehow it brought me closer to them.

Hey Lee! How's everything going? I'm sure it's way cool there. Don't decide
to stay though, we miss you! You should come visit when you get home. You can try my workout... fun stuff. Well, I love you and I can't wait to see you!

Hey Sis. Russia is a pretty cool place. We've mainly stayed in the cities, so
it's not too different from America. I'll definitely come visit when I get back. I'd like to see your place. I've got lot's of cool pics. You can download them once I put them on mom/dad's computer. Luv you! C- ya soon!
Lee
P.S. Will you be at the airport when I get back? No pressure, just curious.

Most people would assume personal narratives are among the easier types of intimate journalism to write. I found this paper very difficult because I had to search my memories and times I did not want to think about. My brothers and I had a great upbringing and were spoiled like no other. For that reason, it was hard for me to talk about my poor relationship with my brother Lee. I did not want to think about it. At times, I broke down and cried because I hated the fact that I had no clue who he was for the 16 years we lived together.

While I wrote about it, I realized that siblings can act this way. I was young and immature and he was my quiet older brother. It was not until now, the summer before my junior year of college that I understand what he means to me. I can see Lee for who he is.

Since I wrote this paper, Lee and I have gotten even closer. I surprised him at the airport when he came home from Russia. He has come to visit and we've have quality time together. I talk to him about the new girl he likes, which I never would have dared to bring up before now.

I chose to include Ching's death because it was one of the many incidents that made me begin to think about my relationships with my brothers. I left the readers hanging with the brief reference to our other pug Tai passing away. My parents put him to sleep 15 days after we buried Ching. He had cancer in his abdomen that caused a decrease in food consumption, activity, and walking ability. It was hard on my family to go from two amazing pugs, to only one, and then none. We are a big dog family and got Beaux, a new pug only two months later. I did not choose to explain Tai's death because I felt as though one dog dying was enough. It would have been to depressing and a low point in the paper for the reader.

The ending came from the e-mailing my brother and I had been doing while he was out of the country. I thought it illustrated how we act now. It seems a bit out of place, but it brought a different style to the paper. It gave it an added dimension in which even society relies on. Relationships can start and develop through electronic mailing. I felt the e-mail brought the paper full circle and showed the evolution of our relationship as well as our maturity, from Barbies and Metro Man to a common ground called the Internet.