Jeff Hilliard

Journalism, Summer 2000

Dr. Bob Bednar

The Loss of Innocence

Not every decision in life is threatening to one's health, psychologically, physiologically or emotionally. Some people coast by in life with relatively few hard-to-make decisions, consequently leaving them uneducated about those who do have to deal with such situations. Decisions such as these do not include whether or not to buy a new car, sleep late or eat a fatty meal. Some decisions are life-altering, even life-ending. This article is about one of those decisions. This is a story of a young man named David Kellam and the decision is irreversible. It is complicated. It is never finished.

Four years ago, in the early fall of 1996, a young couple came to grips with what was/is reality. Two kids, David, 19, and Summer, 18, had to deal with what would become the final decision in their two year relationship. David and Summer had been sexually active over the course of those two years and had yet to encounter any situation that was deemed impossible to handle. It was in the living room of Summer's home, before her mother and God, that a decision was made to terminate a pregnancy. The future of this entity was possibly spared turmoil, confusion or health problems. This might also have been an individual that could change the course of all that is and all that isn't. We will never know.

Summer lies crying on the couch beside her shocked mother. She finally lets out what she has been holding in for the last two weeks, she was pregnant. The couch was beginning to soak up the tears of this confused child, the decision of her life hanging before her. David sits across from the two on the red and green plaid love seat, clasping his hands together, sweating, painfully resisting his urge to cry. Summer's mom sends Jessica, the youngest of the three children upstairs so the three can talk. Summer breaks the silence with a confession, the reason why she is crying.

Summer is an innocent-looking 18-year old; she is strong, beautiful, witty and possesses an incredibly light sense of humor. On this day, though, there is little to laugh about. Summer's shoulder length, blonde hair keeps falling across her face and her mother once again pushes it from the top of her eyes. The phone rings. It is Summer's father and he is finally brought into the conversation. The topic: Abortion. Summer's father expresses his discontent and calmly states that he is coming home. This was a day in late September, 1996; it is overcast and cool with only a slight breeze to stir the sadness.

There have been 40 million abortions in the United States since 1973, according to ohiolife.org. That's 4,000 each day. The situation is never the same, the decisions are never forgotten. Worldwide, the numbers are even more astounding with 126,000 abortions done each day. The most astounding statistic of all is the one unaccounted for. It is the number of lives actually saved since abortion was legalized in the United States. Before abortion was legal, most women wishing to terminate a pregnancy were forced to do so on the "black market." Many thousands of women died as a result of this illegal practice. With the addition of abortion clinics America, and the rest of the world, we as a society have seen health problems due to unwanted pregnancies virtually disappear.

However, it only took one of these millions of abortions to change the life of one of my friends. It was a psychologically challenging event that has forever changed and molded him into the individual that stands with me today. David has always been strong, enduring a parental divorce that ended twenty years of marriage just one year before. David was a young man on the rebound from a medical discharge from the Marine Corps that nearly destroyed him just three months before that. With sandy blonde hair and a stocky physique, paired with two merciless, hazel eyes set deep in his skull, David has always possessed the looks of someone walking from the fountain of youth. From this day on, it proved to be the end of his youth.

Summer was fifteen and one-half weeks pregnant when she had the abortion. She had to drive ninety miles to a clinic in Dallas to have it done over the course of three days because it was considered late term. One more reason for having the abortion, according to David, was the amount of drinking Summer had done before knowing she was pregnant. This brought about more of a reason for supporting the abortion, but this did not make the decision any easier; it merely raised contempt within David

"I'm only 75% sure it was mine. Looking back, I should have asked for a paternity test but I couldn't think of such a thing at that time. Instead, I supported her on whatever decision she chose to make although my mind kept screaming to stop. I lost a lot of respect for Summer because this was, in the end, a totally selfish decision."

"Would you have wanted to keep the child if she had asked you?"

"That would have been impossible. We were kids ourselves. No one in their right mind would have let us take on such a responsibility at this a point in our lives. For two years after the abortion, because it didn't happen to me physically, I could pretend it didn't happen. Psychologically, it began to eat away at me after I finally grew up and learned what the meaning of morality was."

David believes this single incident has changed him in more ways than any other thing in his life. He still sits at night, staring off into the woods wondering of the many things that could have come from this had the decision been different. On any given evening, Nine Inch Nails can be heard screaming from David's porch, the sounds of the fury that still burn deep in his psyche. He lived a mildly rebellious youth and despite a lot of questionable decisions, he still believes this incident was mostly responsible for his withdrawal. Happiness has eluded his grasp ever since. There are a lot of skeletons in his closet, but of all others, this one claims to be the most oppressive.

David would never hurt a soul and he has a track record as clean as a clergy's cloak. This incident humbled him, disturbs and haunts him, leaves him feeling empty, alone. He did not get to go to the clinic with Summer. She and her mom took off one day after receiving the money from David and came back three days later with nothing more than a story. He still questions whether closure for Summer came on that journey to Dallas. Would David's attitude have been different if he would have been allowed to accompany Summer to the clinic?

"It's the first thing we talk about when we go out. The first thing she did was apologize. I didn't even cry about it until the first time we went out and talked about it."

I have to ask, "Now, after four years, how do you feel towards kids?"

"Since then, I've met so many pregnant girls who have toughed it. I regret it now. I can't even be or play around my niece at all it hurts so bad, thinking this is exactly how my kid could look."

David lets the tears finally escape. It is the first time I have seen him cry. There is little cloud break beneath his tanned brow. Who could expect anything but regret, contempt for all that had happened? David looks back up at me and speaks freely to me once again.

"Guys should have equal say in this. It is his creation as much as hers--she just happens to be the host. We've gone overboard as far as individual rights....It's also the single biggest reason why I cannot let Summer go. We were tied for life because of that."

"Would you do it again?"

"No. I'd put up a hell of a fight to not do it again. I felt like I would have received no support should I have stood up."

"Do you think you will overcome this?"

"No. Not at all. I will never, ever,ever overcome this. It's final and cannot be reversed. It's going to always be able to pull me down."

"How did your dad react?"

"I just told him two weeks ago, at the same time I told him that I smoked pot. My mom was the first person I called."

David goes on to describe the process of the abortion. It is a harrowing tale that I would rather never have to see or hear again. His facial expressions, coupled with rapid hand gestures, give me ample insight on the amount of courage both David and Summer possess. I feel relieved that he and I are in the confines of his apartment--it would be impossible for the general population of Tyler to understand the reasons for ever having an abortion should they overhear what David is telling me. Tyler is a town of 75,000 that is well-known for ultra-conservative views but even many of those within the community are a part of this inescapable fact: Four in every five Americans begin having intercourse before age 20. By that age, 40% of the women have become pregnant at least once. We can see the repercussions of those who are irresponsible about sexual intercourse and David echoes these sentiments:

"I met Summer at 16 years old. You are immature and think nothing is going to happen at that age. You are thinking with your hormones, not your brain. I think teen sex is bad, not because of morals, but because teens are not mature enough to handle sex at that age."

"Are you making steps now to get your life back on track?"

"Yeah. But, it's taken me this long to function as a human being. I still, to this day, have a lot of resentment towards my family--everyone except my sister who got pregnant at 19 and stuck with it, having a little girl with no regrets. I don't think I'll ever be able to have kids. I have also stayed real close with Summer's family. I feel that if I turn my back on them I'm being the ass. I owe it to them, I owe it to that child to stick close to the family, close to Summer, in a casual manner."

Summer went on to make the varsity cheerleading squad at the University of Kentucky where she just recently withdrew. During the term of my interview, David and I get up to take short walks around his apartment building. It's a beautiful day and I am grateful for that. On cloudy days the attitude David reflects is far worse, and he usually finds a way to sink into his hole, coming out only once and again to speak with me in a shallow manner. He says many short and simple things, and he refuses to expand on much without encouragement. Summer called David just two weeks ago to let him know she was coming back into town. Summer is anxious to see David and have dinner. David says she has been trying to get back together but he is not sure what he should do. He is still confused.

The irony in this situation is that David acts more like he has gone through the horrible physical ordeal himself, instead of Summer. I have seen him mill around his house or apartment, even his yard late at night, with a wondering eye fixed high above in the hopes of gaining useful insight. David is one of the most intuitive men I've known in my years as an adult. I seldom see him with a loss for words. I seldom see him living his life with little purpose. Behind every action is a well-calculated move towards some bigger goal. I hate to see him like this.

Back at his apartment the next day, I try and start the conversation over again but David refuses. He wants to move on now and feels this whole article might be of some assistance in the mending his wounds. I grab a glass of water and head for the balcony where the door struggles to open. It is jammed between the rubber stop and the carpet. It's funny how the door seems to reflect the attitudes of those in the room. The warm breeze comes screaming past the western corner of the building where the sun lays low beneath the pine trees that scatter throughout East Texas. The white rai decision that caused so much controversy was Roe v. Wade. To reiterate, this decision made abortions not only legal, but safe. Before Roe v. Wade, thousands of illegal abortions were being done in alleys and back rooms. This was one of the United States' most notorious court cases, and, despite the pain that is looming over my friend's head, a decision that has kept many women alive. Without this case there might be a story much worse to tell in this article. I'm not saying abortion is right. I'm not saying it is wrong. It is a personal decision that is made by two, count it, two people together. The decision is final and only the future grants forgiveness.

The night before I leave for Georgetown, David calls me over to his house. I drive over with the hopes of him shedding some light as to how he would like for me to shape my article. Instead, I am greeted kindly and shown the chair inside. He shares some thoughts that will ultimately finalize OUR article.

"I feel as though I had committed the lowest act. If anything affects me to this day, it was that."

"And religious implications?"

"I felt like I was damned. If religion is true, which I don't believe, but if so, I felt like I was damned. I feel like I should pay a price. And, I will....for the rest of my life. Like, if I killed you, I should pay for it for the rest of my life, no doubt. At certain times, this haunts me, and for no particular reason."

* * *

Author's Afterword

When I began this narrative my first loyalty was to my friend, David, whom I had known half of my life. I wanted to do him justice, obviously, so my first concern was in doing an impartial article that was at the same time moving. I didn't have an idea as to where the story should start, but knew that if I would just sit down and start writing something would come to me. Something did, but it was promptly deleted as my ideas had finally started brewing. This is not uncommon when I write and I will sometimes write two pages before something finally arises. Trying to write a piece on something I was totally foreign to allowed me to be experimental and not possessed by past articles on abortion.

During the interview process, my questions were generally directed towards some large theme. I allowed David to fill in the rest because it can be difficult to ask an interjecting question when the subject is still giving you the gift of free information. This was his story and I wanted the questions to be what I thought were open. The questions themselves were not intended to be in my paper when I first had ideas of how to design the article. When I reviewed my notes after the interviewing, I decided to include them so the reader would know where I was going and how I was conducting the interview. This seemed to make the jump from thought to thought more rational than if my article would have been a bunch of quotes from the interviewee.

The most important part of the process of interviewing, to me, was in being very perceptive. Sometimes I lack in this department so I have to be very conscious of my surroundings. I noticed my attitude change from before the interview and afterwards by how my impartiality had fallen apart. I was inserting small words that, to me, seemed harmless. I later found out just how important small words and thoughts can be. I had allowed my subject to have an effect on me that was echoed in the paper. I did this by bearing TOO much loyalty to the subject and not enough towards the article. This can be a grave mistake and your entire theme falls apart when this takes place. Pay attention to what and how you are saying something at all times.

Because the theme and voice are so important in a narrative, I spent most of my time in trying to determine these over all else. I think an article is determined first and foremost based on these critical aspects. If you want to write a truly remarkable article, be sure you have weighed out all options here before sitting down to write. After you have done so, the rest seems to flow easily, as the ideas are going to come to your mind based on how you have thought and not what you have thought. Writing these articles can be difficult, but they are also the most rewarding. --JH