Andrea Hull

Journalism

Fall 2000

"What a beautiful woman we lay to rest today. Our mother, our grandmother, our sister, our aunt and our friend. Mom would have been so pleased to have been able to share this day with all of us. It is so hard to try and put into words a tribute that would be worthy of mom’s memory. And as we sat at home these last few days collecting our thought and emotions, we came to realize that there was no better way to say it than this…MOM WAS TRULY A REMARKABLE WOMAN. She loved her family and friends so much. They were her life and she shared that love with no less passion than she lived her life. And, you know she never missed an opportunity to speak with such love and pride of each and every one of us to others. For those who did not know her, they will never know how wonderful a person they missed." We all felt the pain and hurt when Uncle John spoke these words to us on that second of January.

*****

No matter how many times I had made the drive from Saint Louis, Missouri to Quincy, Illinois with my family, this particular trip would stay in my memory forever. Going to see Granny in Quincy had been a tradition for as long as I could remember. "I’ll race you", my sisters and I would shout as we approached Granny’s house to see who was lucky enough to get the first hug. However, this time there was no race for the door. Maybe it was the somber and tranquil mood that made it more difficult than ever before to walk up those steps, but it was one of the hardest things I had ever done.

*****

One evening while sitting at home with my dad and younger sister Kim the phone rang. It was my mom who had gone to Quincy to stay with Grandma the previous week. I answered and my mom said that Granny was strong enough today and wanted to hear our voices. At that moment I knew something was happening. This wasn’t like all the other calls. I knew something was seriously wrong as soon as I heard her voice. Rather than the sweet laughter that I was used to hearing from her, it was raspy and quiet, almost to the point where I could hardly hear the words coming out of her mouth. Somehow I managed to hear it all. I sat there on the kitchen counter and listened to her gentle voice. "Now Andrea, take care of your father, you know that he can’t live without you, and make sure you take care of your sister Kimmy, too." All I could do was cry out to her that I loved her and that I always would. She said the same. It was the simplest of conversations yet it had more meaning than any conversation before. Kim and I sat there holding each other crying as if that day was the first time we had ever cried a single tear. These were the last words that I heard my grandmother speak before she died.

*****

The standard three-hour drive had suddenly turned into an easy five or more. The snowy surface of the roads made it seem as though we were getting nowhere. Maybe it was the mood and the silently still air that filled the Cadillac we rented, or maybe it was the snow that seemed to wrap us up like a cocoon. Whatever it was that kept the air so still and the wind so harsh against the car that afternoon, I know that Granny was all that I thought about the entire drive to her house.

Thinking back to the night before, I could still hear my mothers voice as she tried to console me over the phone after telling me that Granny had passed away earlier that day. My heart immediately began to ache like it had never felt such pain. It was almost as though someone was trying to rip it out and set it free. The pain and tears took over my body and I began to scream. I didn’t care if anyone heard me next door or anywhere for that matter. I just wanted my Grandma Lucy back. I began to get more and more upset as I sat there sobbing. My mother talked to me with more patience and ease than every before saying, "Now Andrea, it’s okay, she is in a better place, shhh, it’s okay." What was she thinking? Was I really sitting here listening to her tell me that it was okay? Of course it was not okay. It would never be okay. Did she not realize that her mother had died that cold winter day? It took me a long time after that moment to realize what was happening. She held back those painful tears because she was being strong for my sisters and me. There is no one I will look up to the same way I looked up to her that night and how she stood by me and helped me through my agony.

*****

Emotions that I never knew I had inside me were coming out as we approached Granny’s house. Maybe those emotions were of the pain that I never thought I would feel, the hurt that I feel every day that she is not with me. Yet, there is still some part of me that smiles when I look at her picture on my desk and the dried pink rose that sits next to it.

*****

After arriving at Grandma’s I began to get afraid to walk in the back door. I knew I had to do it eventually. Immediately after walking in, my mother rushed to me and hugged me. I looked around as if expecting Grandma Lucy to come out from behind the kitchen doorway, but she never did. With a sigh of pain, I hugged everyone, and in doing so I realized how much they all wished she was there as well.

*****

At her wake, I sat outside the room where Granny lay in her casket and tried to go inside. When it finally hit me that this would be my last chance to hold her hand or see her face, I knew that I needed to go inside and say my final good-bye. Her beautiful body lay there, surrounded by the most captivating pink roses that I had ever seen. I could still smell her perfume as though she had put it on herself that evening. I knelt down beside her and as I held my mother’s hand and admired her face I realized that this was not her--not the Granny I knew. She lay there with her eyes closed as if she was afraid to look at me. "It isn’t fair, it wasn’t her time to go," I kept exclaiming as I cried and screamed to my mother. I kept wondering why had God taken her from me. Though I realized all the pain she had gone through and all the suffering she had endured over the last year, I felt myself thinking that I didn't care. I was being selfish and I wanted her back. I finally got the courage and said my final good-bye. I still wonder to this day how I managed to walk away from her that night even though I wished I could have just held on. During the wake a priest spoke, even though he had never met Lucy. He mispronounced my uncle’s names over and over. At that moment it felt as if this was a routine for him. It wasn’t routine; doesn’t he know how amazing she was?

Amidst the snow and ice we all managed to compose ourselves and walk out of Saint Francis to make the long mile drive to Grandma Lucy’s grave. I had never seen a graveyard look as beautiful as it did that day. It was covered with a blanket of the most perfectly white snowflakes I could imagine. As we drove along the rocky path I couldn’t stop thinking about the fact that this was her new home. I tried to imagine her here with all these unfamiliar people, but they were, in a sense, her family now. As they laid her to rest next to Grandpa John and little Mary Ann, I knew they would take care of her in heaven.

As time passed on, I finally took my eyes away from Granny’s face and realized that the priest had passed out pamphlets with prayers, songs and a small card with her name on it. Those little pieces of paper are still bent into pieces in the pocket of the jacket I wore that day. I wore the jacket recently, and noticed that they were there. Instead of crying this time, I smiled and thought of how happy she must be in heaven.

*****

During the days following after the funeral we went to visit Granny and talked to her as if she was standing right there. What I remember most was the time we spent as a family talking about what life was like growing up with Grandma. There was still the pain of having to deal with packing away all her belongings. It felt like we were fighting over who wasn’t and who was getting Granny’s possessions, even though I realize now that it was not that at all. There was a sadness and pain that was there for us all and a common wish that her spirit would remain in our minds until we were to see her again in heaven. The next couple of days the house had a constant echo of Elvis Presley’s "Memories." It has left me with a constant reminder of the memories and times spent with Grandma Lucy.

*****

The night my Grandma Lucy died, Father James came to the house to give her her last rites. As he did, her children surrounded her and she spoke to God by saying, "Please take me away now….because all my babies are here with me." My Uncle John and Uncle Gary believe that Grandma had given them both the best gift of all. As they held her hand and stroked her hair, she asked to go to God. She had shared with them an incredible sense of love, of life, of God, and of family. She left this life with the same dignity and sharing she showed them in life.

From the time my eyes open in the morning until they close at night I think about all the great times we shared with Granny and all she gave to those she loved. Even if one day I feel as though my memories of Granny have faded, I can always look at my mother and see all that love and compassion that made up Grandma Lucy. It is as simple as the way my mother speaks, the gentle hugs she gives, or the way she eats her peanut butter toast and tea before bed. These are the things that will forever keep Grandma in my mind. There will never be another woman in my life that could touch my heart and give me such an amazing amount of love and pride. No matter where she is now I know that my love for her couldn’t save her life from death, but it did fulfill her life’s purpose.