Erica Krueger
Struggles
The familiar sounds of my favorite Christian song "I can only imagine" is floating through the car as I travel down I-35 with one of my best friends to a Bible study in Austin called, Escape. I have only been going to Escape for a couple of weeks and already my faith has soared to heights that I had never reached before. "Nothing can break this new strength I have found with Jesus," I tell myself as we pull into Escape and see all the familiar people who hold identical thoughts about Jesus inside their hearts. "This is the happiest I have been in my whole life," I think as I feel the warmth of the people around me and bow my head to pray.
z
My life, like everyone else’s, has had a lot of happiness, hurt, and twists and turns to shape who I am today. I have had to battle daily with thoughts about my uncertain future, the concerns for loved ones, and unfortunately thoughts that consume my life about my alcoholic mother.
Throughout my whole life I have been "raised a Christian." When I say this I mean I was baptized, confirmed, and taken to church on all of the appropriate days. I was never taught by my parents about the goodness and everlasting love that God provides for believers. I attended church camps and youth group meetings and took in all of the good word, but did not live my day-to-day life like I thought a Christian should
. I prayed every night before I went to bed, but they were more like requests of what the Lord could do for me. I admired the many Christians I met throughout high school, and wondered how they got to be so strong. This love that they were speaking about in their relationship with Jesus seemed almost unreachable. When will I be able to feel that strongly about my faith? How do I get there?z
I feel lost, confused, and helpless as I cry myself to sleep again over my mother’s alcoholism. "Lord, please give me the strength to help my mother and my family with this. Please work inside my mom to make her better. I would do anything to make her well again." I prayed over and over again until I somehow drifted off to sleep.
The next morning I called my Uncle Tommy who is an alcoholic but had been clean for 15 years and was now my spiritual leader. He found Christ at his weakest moment after years of cocaine and alcohol and dedicated himself to the Lord. He has grown to be the strongest man I know and is basically my idol.
"I just don’t know what to do anymore," I pleaded. Uncle Tommy again tried to convince me to stop this battle I was having with my mom’s illness.
"Erica, I know you and your family are hurting, but you cannot make your mother better. Put your faith in God and he will work through your mother. It will just take some time."
Again I thanked him for his help and was determined to take his advice. Of course I continued on the path I had been on before, making myself talk to Christ instead of accepting Him into my heart and leaving my worries with Him.
z
The transition stage from high school to college can be scary to some, but for me it was an escape, an escape from my family problems. This escape wasn’t necessarily bad but rather that I was able to see the true person I was and shape who I am today by myself. Just like my mom has struggles with alcohol, I have struggles keeping my faith strong with the Lord. It’s amazing that it took me that long to realize how wonderful God is and how long I denied his presence in my life. In March of 2002, one of my good friends from high school, Brittney, invited me to a Bible study she had been attending called Escape. I learned after two weeks of attending that this was the Escape I was looking for: an escape from the temptations and cruelness of the world for 2 hours in a room lit only by thousands of candles. The best part about it was only words that were spoken or sung were of Christ! The next 2 months I was the happiest I had been in a long, long time. When I read my Bible I was truly taking in the meaning of His word. When I prayed I wasn’t just praying but I was talking with the Lord, and best of all I was living my life as I thought a Christian should. I finally had that relationship I had been searching so long for.
z
It is time to go home again, a trip that I usually despise, but this Easter I am somehow excited. It is almost like I am ready to take on a challenge outside of my new-found security.
"I am so proud of you, Erica," my friend Robert exclaimed. "I can see Christ working through you and it is awesome! Keep it up and others will be drawn to you and your faith."
I am surrounded by friends from high school at the usual bar, but this time I am not drinking. It has been 2 months since my last drink and I feel great! I was soaring as I told Robert, who is also a Christian, of my new relationship with Christ. "I am so thankful to have people like him in my life," I thought to myself as I drove into my driveway around midnight.
I entered as quietly as possible into the darkness of my home and noticed a single faint line of light coming from my mother’s bedroom. "Mom, are you awake? Mom? I just had to most wonderful night with Robert! Mom?"
There I was standing at my mom’s sprawled out body on the cold white tile of her bathroom floor, again. Tears started pouring faster and faster out of my eyes. Then it turned to steam coming from every crevice of my body. Not again! What is going wrong in her life, nothing! Why can’t she just get better? She has only been drinking for what is it four years now? Uncle Tommy defeated it after 15 years of abuse; he has conquered my mom’s and my struggle…
I wake her up and move her to her bed as she mumbles something about stretching her back. The familiar smell of stale wine is on her breath and I can’t help but to feel pity for her. Tomorrow is Easter…
z
My tears are flowing again for the first time in two months and I am drunk. I reach for my Bible before I go to bed because of the routine I had myself in and I immediately draw back, "I am drunk and looking for comfort in the Lord just like my mother," I slam my face back into the pillow and continue to cry.
My thoughts drift back to my mother sprawled out on her bed. She has passed out on her Bible again. It is turned open to the 23rd Psalm, "Surprise surprise," I remember thinking to myself as I looked around the room that I have grown to hate so much. Her room is filled with Christian books, angels, and a Bible under her passed out body and shut behind doors in her bathroom and closet are bottles of alcohol.
I have turned against the Lord, I have betrayed Him, and for the next couple of weeks I am in misery. Finals are crammed into my life, ill thoughts of my mother return, and I feel lost but I don’t turn to the one thing that I know brings the most happiness, Jesus. It was so much easier not to give the effort, so I continue living in pain, just like my mother.
z
It gives me great pain that the solo memory I have from Easter, the day for commemorating the Resurrection of Jesus, is my anger inside. Instead of concentrating on the sermon, I could only look at my mother with hatred. The Bible says to "Honor your Mother and Father" but how could I honor her when she caused my family so much destruction? Why do I let her affect my relationship with the Lord in this way? The times I need Him the most I just push him away, but I know only I am to blame.
z
When people are struggling, they look for an out, which usually means blaming a loved one. I have gone in every direction while dealing with my mom’s illness, from being compassionate and listening to her every word with sympathy to blocking her off and feeding her pure hatred. It’s hard to see someone I love afflict pain on themselves and others I love.
This year I had my greatest struggle with my faith purely because I needed the Lord the most. I have been at the lowest level at my relationship and now I have finally experienced what it is like at the highest level. Even though I fell back a couple steps in my journey with Christ, I didn’t fall back as far or as hard and I am taking one day at a time.
I now know it is possible to be at that level and with hard work, determination, and the miracles of our Lord, but I cannot force it. The strength I gain from Him comes one day at a time making me stronger to serve Him.
Having found a weakness of my own, I have a better perspective on my mom’s life and try to help her, as well as myself, by being compassionate and not being judgmental. When she tells me she is taking one day at a time and feels as if she is doing better, it may not look that way on the outside, but only the individual and God truly know what is best.
I have struggled because I thought I could make my mom better, but I have found peace now knowing that God will someday settle into her heart helping her find peace. Until then I will fight my own battles and be content with my own new found peace, making it stronger everyday.
z
"Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for
I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go,
for to you I lift up my soul." Psalm 143:8
z
Authors Afterward:
This paper was by far the most difficult for me to write out of the three articles written this summer. I was forced dig up feelings that I knew I had pushed away about my mom, as well as find new emotions and truth about myself.
When I first started writing this paper it was going to be solely on myself, but ever paragraph kept having something to do with my mother. I didn’t want to write about her at first because I had already written an ethnography on her. Writing about her took a lot of emotion out of me and I didn’t want to have to go through that again.
After talking with Professor Bednar one day about my topic things began to unravel and I knew that I had to include my mom.
Writing this paper I learned a lot about myself and the weakness and strength of my faith. I realized how much my mother had to do with my actions, which helped me open new doors in my faith and helping her.