Sherwood Schwartz and Frank De Vol

My sister Rachel, 16, lounges on the floor in the front room sulking because she cannot go out. She fidgets, trying on purpose to annoying my sister Bethany, 11, who is curled up next to her on the floor, with the family cat Gaby, lay upon her, purring. I am also stuck at home, probably due to the fact that I am forbidden to go out by my mother. She loves to have her teenage daughters stay at home on random Friday nights for what she calls "family time." We think she does this for the pure pleasure of watching us squirm. Nick-at-Nite is on the television and a familiar song proceeds to fill the household. Bethany sings at the top of her lungs and Rachel and I hum along. The theme finishes with a loud "That’s the way we became the Brady Bunch" by my youngest sister.

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Growing rapidly since the 1970’s, this trend of stepmothers and fathers and step/half siblings is a far cry from the typical, Cleaver family of yesteryear. Daddies are not necessarily your biological father and Mommies are not always waiting home when you return from school with milk and cookies. Families like the Bradys, the quintessential American stepfamily, where everyone loves and gets along with each other, rarely exist. We now have bitter custody battles and fighting between stepparents and their stepchildren. Ugly stepsiblings explode on to the family scene with a frequency that would have disturbed the Brother’s Grimm.

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"My Dad was an asshole to my mom about the whole situation," Lori Bratton said over the lull of the slow restaurant.

The blonde slowly draws a cup out of the cooler and fills it carefully with Shiner and hands it to a middle age man seated in front of her at the bar. She continues to converse with him about the events of his work and day. She talks with an ease of a well-adjusted adult prepared to take on her tasks as the bartender.

Lori’s parents separated during her freshman year at Leander High School, but her parents were not officially divorced until her junior year.

"My parents still get along, but try to avoid stressful situations…like birthdays," she commented. "Because my dad and I have the same birthday, it can be kinda strange. If my parents and I go out to celebrate for my birthday, my mom gets kinda weirded out because we are also celebrating my Dad’s [birthday] also."

"The only thing they really argue about is money. Like, you didn’t pay this and you didn’t pay that," she said. She smiles and greets a regular customer with his beer already poured.

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"We had made the necessary commitment to staying married or we wouldn't have lasted. Pop and I still had a lot to learn about love," said my grandmother, Granny T to all the grandkids, about her marriage to my grandfather, Pop, after 50 years.

"It wasn't just a beautiful word; it was hard work and disappointment as we tried to live up to unrealistic expectations on both our parts."

After 50 years of marriage, my grandparents are the picture perfect couple, at least that is what I thought. I came into this interview with a preconceived notion of how my grandparents were. I always knew they had their problems, like any married couple, but I never expected them to be so severe. Having so married young, (my grandmother was only 18) they faced many difficulties.

"We got married because we thought it was expected. We had dated for two years became engaged in February 1950, and we married on June 18, 1950. We wanted to marry -- thought we were ‘in love’-- but we didn't have the foggiest idea what love was!" she confessed.

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It was not until approximately 200 years ago, that divorce was actually considered a viable option for couples not meant for each other; before this time, divorce "had disastrous consequences" (Kaslow, 4). A British historian noted:

Married couples at all social levels lived and worked cooperatively, whether in agriculture, fishing, textile manufacture, or other artisan work, and the contribution of both was essential for the sheer survival of their family. Separation meant sundering their domestic economy, and the potential consequences could be seen in the hordes of wretched women and their children, cast into poverty by the death or desertion of their husbands and fathers…Husbands and wives were likened by one-seventeenth-century writer to prisoners in a cell: there was no escape, and rather than beat their heads against the walls, they should resign themselves to their plight. (Kaslow, 4).

According to public opinion polls, the way that divorce was pictured changed drastically from decade to decade. In 1936, 77 percent of the general public polled did not believe that divorce should be made easier in their state, but by 1945, this percentage had dropped to only 65 percent (Bernard, 10). According to the 1997 Annual Report released by the National Center for Health Statistics in the U.S. Dept. of Health and Human Services, 1,163,00 divorces were granted. Although this number is startling, it is only 1 percent greater than the 1996 figures of approximately 1,150,000 divorces (The World Almanac, 1997).

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"Now that I think about it, that was a bad three years," Lori said, reversing her earlier claim that her parent’s separation really was not all that bad.

"When I was growing up, my Dad left early for work and arrived home late. There was really no communication between my parents," she said. "He never cheated on my mom…unless you count work? I saw my dad more on TV and in the newspapers than at home."

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"It was not the long marriage that caused problems; it was your grandfather's jealousy for a long time. He was extremely possessive to the point of being ridiculous, and I hadn't enough experience to know what to do about it. Had I had, I would have left the relationship even before we married. He was that bad for many years. At first it was flattering as he was sort of my protector, but as I matured I realized that we had some major adjustments to make. Unfortunately, he resisted this from day one; he just wouldn't accept that it might be him that needed to make some changes if our marriage was to survive," my grandmother told me.

"We both set out to "change" each other, never realizing that to do this would take something away from what we had seen each other in the beginning," she said.

Both of them, despite their problems, decided to have children, which "sort of distracted us from our problems and filled our lives with something other than each other." Although their problems remained, they were "only tucked away into the background, only to submerge only when we focused again on what we each thought we wanted out of the marriage."

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"My dad got married during…let me think…oh, my senior year of high school," Lori said, just before darting away to serve a new customer.

"You want the usual?" she asks and draws up a Coors Light into in a frosted mug. She speaks to the women for several minutes and then returns to our conversation. "Where did we leave off?"

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"I cried a lot and Pop yelled and stomped out the door a lot, but we managed to hide it from others, for we believed in a united front for the children. In that respect, we were wise, but it was the only wisdom we used," my grandmother said. "Unfortunately, while we loved each other, we really didn't like each other at that point. It was a bad time for the both of us."

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Lori tells me that after she was born her dad told her mother that he didn’t want any more children. Her mother had her tubes tied after Lori was born. Consequently, after the separation, Lori’s father had a vasectomy.

"I have to tell you this," she says. She seems amused. "After my dad married Donna [her stepmother], I guess they decided to have another baby. I was babysitting my stepbrother Justin and I found a "How-to-eat-when-you-are-expecting" book in the bathroom. I asked Donna about it and she said that they were trying to get pregnant. I went home and told the news to my Mom and she said she assumed that. Apparently, the doctor’s office had called my Mom to confirm my Dad’s vasectomy reversal surgery. They had been divorced four years," she said. I laughed. Her stepmother is now pregnant and expecting a baby boy in October.

"When Mom found out that Donna was pregnant, she said that it was really good revenge. When I asked her why, she said that ‘by the time this kid is a teenager, he [Lori’s Dad] will be too old to run out on them." She laughs and attends to her bar patrons.

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"Money had always been short, and as the girls grew it really became an issue to add to what we thought was our misery," my grandmother confessed. "A major adjustment for both of us was when I made the decision to begin school. Pop hated the idea at that time and made it very difficult for me, but by that time I had acquired some spunk and forged ahead in spite of his anger." I can see her laughing.

"Funny now, Sarah, but he still often says he doesn't know why he objected so much and made it so hard on me, as he is so proud now," she chuckles.

My grandfather eventually dragged my grandmother to counseling against her will. She tells me how at the first counseling session she wanted "stomp her way out." She believed she had no problems; she put all the blame upon my grandfather. She later found out that blame was not the answer and compromise was the key.

"Our relationship began to change at this point…after all, it had only taken 25 years. I believe this is called "slow learning." And now, if we could change anything we wouldn't unless it would be to become wiser much sooner," she says.

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"Seeing my parents never speak growing up makes it hard for me to be open in my relationships It still haunts me," Lori says. "I guess it is a residual effect. I have major trust issues."

"Due to the divorce, I think, my brother has major commitment issues. He is living with his girlfriend of several years and he is always saying…’after I get divorced, I will do this.’ It is like he is waiting for it to happen," she tells me.

"I don’t see myself married anytime soon and if I do get married I don’t even want to think about divorce," she concludes.

She turns her work towards the bar and I begin to leave. As I walk out the door, she tells me to remember about her birthday on Friday and the tubing trip on Saturday. I smile, wave, and leave, thinking about the weekend.

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My grandmother, being a list person herself, came up with her own ten most valuable things about avoiding divorce. When asked for them, she said she needed a minute and then she returned:

"Here you go, Sarah Kate. I hope this works…

1. Be honest with yourself and don't marry until you know who you are (your values, morals, beliefs)

1. Look for someone else who is also mature and honest and shares these same values, morals, beliefs

1. Don't let pre-marriage "love" be the biggest factor; it usually is more attraction than real love.
2. Look for "best friend" qualities in a mate
3. "Like" qualities easily grow into love if nurtured
4. Never choose someone without a sense of humor
5. Know that the relationship will have its ups and downs, ins and out-of-love times, and that this is normal.
6. Never let the word "divorce" enter your mind as a thought or in a conversation as a threat.
7. Hug each other each day
8. Each trust, believe, and respect each other